Walking Out My Faith, Even By Myself!

Long post alert: "Walking out my faith, even if I'm by myself" • God's given me a boldness over the years and sometimes that makes folks mad, but oh well... I'm not out to please this whole world around me, I've got my mind on eternity. I still feel like there is a parable of the wheat and the tares going on during this time in our nation. You can read about it in Matthew, Chapter 13. Everyone is so eager to do one thing, instead of heeding God's warning and doing what He said should be done. Also, I keep hearing of a "spiritual reset" button God's trying to activate during this time, when I've been praying and fasting. Daddy and I have talked about this several times over the last month. I think we can all agree, anyone over the age of 30, church isn't like it use to be when we were growing up, and that's not a good thing. I've grieved over missing those days many times, and I long in my heart for it to be how it was, but we have to keep moving foward.

Honestly, I have mixed emotions about going back to church right now. And you know that's not easy for someone like me to admit. If you've followed my blog page for any length of time, you know I'm a born and raised church girl, and how important it is to me. I should be excited... not anxious (if you keep reading, you'll realize the source of the anxiousness, and it's not about me worrying that I'll get the Coronavirus). God's been preparing me for this, and I already knew disappointments, that I feel are going on in the spiritual realm, were coming. Maybe these mixed emotions will change depending on where God directs me to be Sunday, and I pray always His will be done. I had a dream about being in a 1st church service after these 2 months of not being in one (inside a building) and it felt real as real can be. It was the same night, Alabama's governor announced churches could meet again, if they could socially distance (but families could sit together), I was in church with people across several different churches I've been a part of. We were meeting on a Friday night. No fear. No anxiety. Just praising the Lord. Yes, we were spread out. But we were all just joyous and talking and laughing and praising... no mile long rules... I think that's how God wants it be and He's okay with that.... just spread out with each family or couple sitting beside each other (but that's how we sit in church, when I was growing up... there would be a family on one pew and some space before the next family or couple or maybe an empty pew between each one. That's what that dream felt like to me. How it was growing up!) And, someone on stage started singing "Waymaker" and the glory of the Lord fell. I remember someone shouting in the middle of the song, "it's about time they've opened church again, because they sure ain't stopped nobody from rubbing elbows at Walmart!" When service was over we got in line to head to the fellowship hall for a meal, we were spaced apart, and I woke up. The next day I read, in detail, effective May 11th, the new amended safer at home order for the state of Alabama (I shared that photo in a previous post)... regarding non-work related gatherings, the limit of 10 was lifted and churches were to maintain a 6 ft apart seating, except for families (living in the same household) as they could sit together, and also what the governor stated in her news release. I knew it might not be feasible for large congregations, unless they hold more than one service. And, I thought well praise the Lord for confirmation, because that was lining up with my dream. 10 people limit is lifted; we can spread out.

But since then... I've read additional (so many other sources) recommendations a mile long for opening churches. Some churches really seem to be on board, maybe some not so much. I just don't know if I can go back until maybe on down the line when it's a little more lax, unless God directs me otherwise. No matter what man says about this God has the final say, and He can cause things to get back to normal if He wants to. That's the kind of God that I serve. I know churches have leaders and those leaders want to protect themselves and their churches. Believe me, I get that. However, I was just thinking about sitting in a small circle with Jesus and His disciples and everything they walked through and faced together... we would be talking about His goodness and ministry that was to take place. I feel like I'm having to get ready for surgery just to go back to church... and all the anxiety people's going to have while church is going on... I know that will happen because I can already feel it and sense it in the spiritual realm, and it was already starting the last Sunday before churches closed. I can already hear the COVID-19 being discussed in the church still, because I've heard it over and over in messages these last 2 months on different online church services, but some have been faithful to not talk about it, and just go on with delivering God's word in spirit and in truth. I know not talking about it won't make it go away, but I don't want to dwell on that in the house of the Lord, I want to focus on His goodness and grace. That's the one place we should be able to go or the one video we should be able to watch that avoids the subject ...not feel like we're watching the TV evening news or online media videos. It's like any other time I've been sick (not contagious) and went on to church, I've prayed for God to touch my body and heal me, and I've pushed on through to worship Him. I've done my best to not dwell on it while there. I go to church to get peace and healing... not have anxiety attacks or fear. 

Also, I've even read where other states' governors are recommending not having live music, but playing cd music during worship or even stopping worship time all together right now, so germs aren't passed on the mics and the instruments. I'm not saying not socially distance and of course keep the church clean, and stay home if you're elderly or immune compromised, or stay home if you think it's too early for you to go... I've read recommendations that had like 50 steps in place such as... announce when you can leave church (i.e. let a family leave out before another family leaves out), limit church time to limit exposure to others (let's just go ahead and put limitations and restrictions on God, why don't we, because that's what we'd be doing and let's just go ahead and stay home if we're wanting to limit exposure time), no small groups, no Sunday school, children's church or nursery. No Wed. or Sunday night service, checking temps at the door, requiring mask and gloves to be worn, spraying lysol and squirting hand sanitizer as soon as you come through the door, asking questions at the door of what symptoms you may be experencing or what you've been exposed to in the last 48 hours, only one person in the restroom at a time, fixing the ventilation system so the building air isn't recirculating or outside air isn't getting in, having someone wipe down and clean stuff while church is going on, 6 ft apart stickers or lines on the floor, entering one door and exiting another door... that's like "trying to navigate through Walmart right now pressure". If I can't handle going to Walmart or a doctors in office appt. right now, chances are I can't handle it at church. Goodness gracious, I needed an anxiety pill just reading all the steps being put out there to open the church back up! I feel like I would be afraid to get away with trying to hug someone's neck or shake a hand that didn't fear or mind doing it back. I get we want to protect people, but if that is all the steps that have to be taken is it really worth it to open church yet? That seems like more worry than excitement to me? I've heard from so many, "oh I'll be so glad when churches are open again and we can meet inside!" Now that we can it's... "oh, I don't think this is a good idea?" • God desires all of His children to have a solid and stable relationship with Him so that you can stand firm in Him and on His word. If you get the devil an inch, he'll take a mile. I know God's rising up His Holy remnant church during this, and His word says it will be small in number.

Now mind you, hospitals and doctor office employees, in office and surgery appointments for patients, workers at nursing homes/assisted livings, restaurants, and stores... I get all of that being in place, but the church is a place you are FREELY wanting to go, not because you have to go there... I guess that's when you really learn the building isn't the church afterall but you, yourself, are the church. I have realized in freely wanting to go to church, it's going to be kind of difficult to praise the Lord and listen to messages about faith when so many rules are in place that promote to me, more fear, anxiety and news influences, than precautions. It doesn't make me excited about going back to church, it makes me want to stay home, or just keep being a part of a drive in service (it sure seems less hectic to me than all the recommended in building meeting rules.) That's a lot of rules and pressure for sure. 

After praying and wrestling with sleeping during this stay at home time (not a lot of sleep at night for me, because that's when God really pours into me), I just get the feeling that so many churches (not all) are afraid to open back up that could very well go down a trail to NEVER opening back up, outside of online services. Maybe they're afraid of lawsuits or going to jail or expensive fines or someone getting sick while at church, maybe they've had a lot of time to sit around and think about it. And, maybe churches won't all be the same as far as opening back up. Yes, I know there are a lot of legalities that can go on that I have no knowledge of. Or maybe they've allowed their heart and mind to be consumed with all the news and media surrounding this pandemic, not realizing what's truth and lies, instead of focusing on what thus saith the Lord. I know it's having faith while also being wise, I get that, but I think sometimes it can be taken to the extreme. God changes not, that's what I rely on.

I was driving home from the store over the weekend, and praying to God about this and thinking about some amazing things He done in the Bible, and how so many walked out their faith from Daniel in the Lion's Den (God made the lions pillows for his head to lay), to the 3 Hebrew boys in the fiery furnace (that 4th man walking around in the fire with them made sure they didn't even come out smelling like smoke), Noah building the ark (him and his family survived the flood), Abraham when He was asked to sacrifice his son, Isaac (God provided a ram at the last second)... all of these situations could have resulted in death, but they all walked on through in their faith and trusted God for their protection and survival. I also trust that same God for protection, and that if I have faith enough to return to the house of God during this, He will put a shield around me for my obedience to Him. There have been times when we've braved flash floods, thunderstorms, icy roads, and a few times tornado warnings just to get to church lol, but I'm being serious, without batting an eye... and now it's like do we really have that same faith for God to protect His children!? I believe once fear takes root and starts growing, it will wipe out every bit of faith even the strongest Christian has and that's what's going on. The Lord, through His Holy Spirit, says "you will see my glory again in these times of trials and tribulations. I'm still here. I'm still a conqueror, a healer, and a deliverer."

Again, I get the general precautions (I've prayed and I know why these are being used), just like precautions churches have taken to try to prevent shooters from getting into the building.... precautions in that I'm not about to take up a serpent in church, and I'm running out of one that does... precautions if I feel I'm contagious with something and don't go to church. If I'm not going to have the freedom and liberty to worship the one Who died for me, let me just stay home and have church where I can have that freedom without the spirit of fear trying to worm its way into my mind. Let me gather with 2 or 3 and have church. Why? Because the Lord has surely been too good to me these past 2 months (36 years really), for me to go back on that trust and faith in Him now. We (God and I) have had some rather awesome church services and talks together (lots of quiet time too). I guess that's why I can keeping on having church at home with my TV, tablet, keyboard, and bible.

With this post, I might be out here on this limb by myself regarding this matter, but that's okay because I've been out on that limb by myself many times with just the Lord and me. Oh, but that's when I've been able to look out across the field (spiritually speaking) and have a clearer vision (God opening my eyes to things not previously seen)... and He always comes through for me when I'm out there on that limb!

In Christ,

Kimberly McDaniel